A Little Bit About Me.. | ohioscott's Blog

I suffer from major depression and it all started when I screwed up my life on 09-11-2001. I just don't want to say what happened, but I did something wrong and I got in more trouble then I ever thought possible. I learned so much from that experience, but the pain was more than I could handle. I was mentally damaged by my own action, I hated what happened, and I hated myself. I still have so much hate inside me over all this that it's too hard to carry sometimes.

My father-in-law (the only dad I ever knew) died in 2002 and it made my life hellish. I really thought suicide was my best option... I came so close and I actually had a plan, but I just couldn't hurt the people that were stupid enough to love me. So I kept living and hating the worse person I ever knew... myself.

In 2007 my mom got sick and died a couple months later in the hospital. I was still trying to get past my dad's death and I couldn't like "take-on" all of that grief. I accepted it in metered doses and still haven't accepted it... I guess in my head she's still in her room watching tv or taking a nap.

So exactly 3 weeks after my mom died my brother Bryan died suddenly. He was in a nursing home with major diabetic issues but he seemed stable and he seemed well. The day he died I called him and I went to see him. I showed him a picture of the flowers I put at moms grave at the cemetery. Since mom died I asked him about what he would want his final arrangements to be... He told me just 12 hours before he died and I followed his wishes. My brother Bryan's body was cremated and buried in the same space with mom.

I really didn't accept his death either... I saw him lying there at the hospital, I put my hand on his shoulder but part of me still see's him in a room at the nursing home.

I guess I still have a long way to go.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life... The greatest loss is what dies inside us as we live."

That couldn't be more true. I look for people that I can try to help because I know how painfull life can be. I feel better when I know that I've helped someone else... I just wish I could help me. I guess all I can do is try and hope that I'm fulfilling some greater good by living my life. It's my prayer that God has a plan and a purpose for me... and that I don't fail him.