Life On A Tight Rope | ohioscott's Blog

Well this morning I'm finding myself in the midst of a panic attack... My life's been going along pretty good lately but I'm really anxious about the future. I didn't think I cared about the presidency but so much has been going on lately and the economy has been getting worse and worse. I hear about people getting laid off and then I come to work and see so little work coming in. I'm living check-to-check (just like most people) and I sit at home and wonder what could happen. I'm half way across the rope and I can't turn back and be safe, but I'm afraid to move forward. I'm so tired and the rope is so unstable now... If I fall there's nothing there to catch me except a coffin.

Why is it that when I feel overloaded in anxiety, I suddenly feel like death is such a good thing? I think about loved ones who are now buried... I can almost see them in my mind, the tight, cramped box with the satin lining, the solid darkness and silence, the coldness, the total emptiness.

I should have stayed home today, spent a quiet day hiding in my bed under the covers. I hate when I feel this way. I used to be so scared at the thought of jumping off a bridge, now I'm almost drawn to it... like the moth to a flame.

Well I'm not suicidal... but it is a fantasy.

It all keeps coming down to the same question: Why am I the way I Am?

I made a video (on my profile page) that's titled "Why Am I The Way I Am?" ... I wish I understood life more.

 http://www.experienceproject.com/group_media.php?g=109&anchor=7100