ohioscott's Blog

 God created man in His own image... so how could sin find it's way into the mix? Why would God allow the poison of sin to sour His creation? I kind of feel like a hamster in a cage, and having bitten my master, I feel abandoned... given what I need to survive until I expire... and it sucks. 

And if God DID create us in His own image, is it possible, at some level, that He has some residue of sin within him? 

I just don't understand how a creator can love us so passionately, but still allow sin to reign and tell us "Believe in me... your treasure awaits you in Heaven."

Well, I guess I'm venting a bit.. Haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd let you know I'm still alive. I've been feeling good and living the dream of feeling more than sub-human. My family life has improved somewhat, my job is doing good, got an iPhone (and I'm still totally lovin' it), my on-line friends have been a bit busy but they stay in contact so it's cool. 

All in all, I've been feeling pretty good, however, this feeling is (of course) subject to change without notice...

Hope you are also doing well. Take care then, Scott

I just feel really teary today. I can't stop myself from trying to own some of the sorrow over what my friend and his family is dealing with. I hate living through this seemingly endless death march that is my life. There's always something to keep me from being happy for very long. I just don't understand life, death, love, good, bad... almost everything in my world is battleship gray...

Boy, talk about sad... my friends wife had some leg trouble during her pregnancy, she gave birth to a son about 2 weeks ago... So my friend from work (the husband) had some pain in his left hip/leg. He eventually went to the doctor and got pain meds. Then his right hip/leg began to hurt. He couldn't work. The pain was terrible. He's in the hospital and today I found out that he has stage 4 cancer. And here's the worst part: No life insurance. It's just so sad. What must he be going through? How will his family survive without him? He's only 36 years old for God's sake. It's just so sad, his wife is in such a tough place in life... and the kids too. It's just tragic. I'm not super-depressed or anything, but I'm just worried about his family... So sad...

My mood: somewhat sad
 

Well this morning I'm finding myself in the midst of a panic attack... My life's been going along pretty good lately but I'm really anxious about the future. I didn't think I cared about the presidency but so much has been going on lately and the economy has been getting worse and worse. I hear about people getting laid off and then I come to work and see so little work coming in. I'm living check-to-check (just like most people) and I sit at home and wonder what could happen. I'm half way across the rope and I can't turn back and be safe, but I'm afraid to move forward. I'm so tired and the rope is so unstable now... If I fall there's nothing there to catch me except a coffin.

Why is it that when I feel overloaded in anxiety, I suddenly feel like death is such a good thing? I think about loved ones who are now buried... I can almost see them in my mind, the tight, cramped box with the satin lining, the solid darkness and silence, the coldness, the total emptiness.

I should have stayed home today, spent a quiet day hiding in my bed under the covers. I hate when I feel this way. I used to be so scared at the thought of jumping off a bridge, now I'm almost drawn to it... like the moth to a flame.

Well I'm not suicidal... but it is a fantasy.

It all keeps coming down to the same question: Why am I the way I Am?

I made a video (on my profile page) that's titled "Why Am I The Way I Am?" ... I wish I understood life more.

 http://www.experienceproject.com/group_media.php?g=109&anchor=7100

I suffer from major depression and it all started when I screwed up my life on 09-11-2001. I just don't want to say what happened, but I did something wrong and I got in more trouble then I ever thought possible. I learned so much from that experience, but the pain was more than I could handle. I was mentally damaged by my own action, I hated what happened, and I hated myself. I still have so much hate inside me over all this that it's too hard to carry sometimes.

My father-in-law (the only dad I ever knew) died in 2002 and it made my life hellish. I really thought suicide was my best option... I came so close and I actually had a plan, but I just couldn't hurt the people that were stupid enough to love me. So I kept living and hating the worse person I ever knew... myself.

In 2007 my mom got sick and died a couple months later in the hospital. I was still trying to get past my dad's death and I couldn't like "take-on" all of that grief. I accepted it in metered doses and still haven't accepted it... I guess in my head she's still in her room watching tv or taking a nap.

So exactly 3 weeks after my mom died my brother Bryan died suddenly. He was in a nursing home with major diabetic issues but he seemed stable and he seemed well. The day he died I called him and I went to see him. I showed him a picture of the flowers I put at moms grave at the cemetery. Since mom died I asked him about what he would want his final arrangements to be... He told me just 12 hours before he died and I followed his wishes. My brother Bryan's body was cremated and buried in the same space with mom.

I really didn't accept his death either... I saw him lying there at the hospital, I put my hand on his shoulder but part of me still see's him in a room at the nursing home.

I guess I still have a long way to go.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life... The greatest loss is what dies inside us as we live."

That couldn't be more true. I look for people that I can try to help because I know how painfull life can be. I feel better when I know that I've helped someone else... I just wish I could help me. I guess all I can do is try and hope that I'm fulfilling some greater good by living my life. It's my prayer that God has a plan and a purpose for me... and that I don't fail him.

 

Well, here I am again... I'm just not getting anywhere in life. I asked my wife if she would let me get some wine and she asked me if it was ok if she moved out. You know, after my mom and brother died last summer, I did some drinking... I got a little too wasted and she responded by planning to leave me and by not supporting me. After talking to my shrink, I told her that I wouldn't drink again until she could trust me to be responsible. Well, she never plans to let me drink again, because she will never trust me again. I asked her if I coud get some wine 2 days ago, she is still acting distant. I don't feel loved anymore, Not by her... not by God. I get my love from people online that never met me... And the people that know me, don't seem to want to be around me... whats the message from this? To know me is to NOT love me? I just don't understand... But I do know I'm sad.

I saw the doctor who prescribed Zoloft for my depression and after talking he determined that the medication is helping me feel my emotions and that's good... I just need to handle them better now. He suggested I see my therapist more often so he can help me handle stuff thats going on in my life. So now I'm seeing him every other week for the next couple months. Because of the bad decisions of my past I don't have insurance so I get my medical from a local "Health Ministry" at no charge but I have to pay my therapist out of pocket (ouch). Well anyway, I feel much better than I did last week, but I still have moments when I feel upset for no apparent reason,.. I just kind of realize that is not a valid emotion and let it go. Hopefully I can keep doing that.

I don't understand why I feel like I want to be dead sometimes... I wasn't suicidal, but I also didn't want to live. It really confuses me why that happened... It was so sudden. Hmm, maybe I'll post something on a suicide group board just to maybe express it and hopefully get some good feedback.

Well, that's it for now... I'm restricting this view to friends only. Thanks for your friendship, I'm glad to have you (both). UPDATE: I decided to post this as a public blog.

I've been really depressed lately. I felt suicidal a couple times last week. I'm on medication but it's not working very well yet. I think one of my biggest problems is that I hate myself... I have my reasons and my friends tell me I'm a great person and all but it's a real problem for me and I don't understand why I hate myself. Anyway, I talked to a great friend I met online and he told me that I should see this as a disorder, and it's not something I can just "understand"... that helps me to get a handle on it... I need to find a way to minimize this self hate disorder. It's ruining my life.